The Best Fitness Advice You’ll Ever Get.

July 2, 2009

WARNING: Pornographic image follows. Do not view if you are too young to do so in your community.

The best fitness advice you’ll ever get (from me anyway) is this: Do not do 100 sit-ups on a hard floor wearing jean shorts.

I did such a thing and now I’ve got two giant bright red strawberries on either side of my butt crack, and let me tell you, they hurt a lot more than the 100 sit-ups did.

What hurt even more was when I whined to my wife, hoping for a little sympathy. Ordinarily my wife is a paradigm of virtue and compassion – a veritable heapin’ helpin’ of Mother Theresa with a side of Florence Nightingale gravy – but something about second degree burns on a white man’s ass struck her as funny. The fact that they were self-inflicted, real funny.

So ha ha, I endured all her wise-cracks (cracks – get it?) and then asked her to spray Solarcane on my grievous injuries.

“You’re not serious.”
“Yes I am, I can’t reach it.”

That brought on another round of jokes, like maybe I need to go to a CrossFit Sit-Up cert so I don’t hurt myself anymore.

Finally she ran out of insults and agreed to do it.

buttburn1

“Spread your cheeks, I can’t get a good shot.”
“Ow, ow, ow.”
“I haven’t done it yet you big baby.”

You know how when little kids get cut their loving moms spray Solarcane on the cut and then blow on it to stop the stinging. I know my wife used to do that, but somehow in this instance she forgot.

“Blow, blow it stings.”

She couldn’t blow because she was laughing too hard, and it is impossible to pucker up and blow when you’re laughing.

“I am not blowing on your butt.”
“Ow, ow it stings, blow.”

She did finally blow, more of a laughing spit actually, but by then the stinging had stopped on its own.

So I guess there’s two learnings from this. One: don’t do sit-ups in jean shorts. Two: don’t expect anyone to blow on your butt if you do.

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One Response to “The Best Fitness Advice You’ll Ever Get.”

  1. yma said

    HA HA HA! That is one of the funniest things I have ever seen/read! You need to a run a “create the best caption” contest for this photo.

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