Stupid Shit People Do In The Name Of Fitness

July 23, 2009

Let’s start a new, recurring column and call it, “Stupid Shit People Do In The Name Of Fitness When They Really Have No Idea What They’re Talking About.”

Our first entry (and I’m thinking will be the best ever) is a new product called the Power Plate. As far as I can tell, you’re supposed to stand or sit or straddle this thing while it vibrates really fast, causing your muscles to involuntarily contract.

In their own words –

Power Plate® equipment is the premium vibration device powering a new dimension in wellness solutions for all ages, lifestyles and physical abilities. It uses the principles of Acceleration Training™ to stimulate the body’s natural response to vibration. These vibrations transmit waves of energy throughout the body, activating muscle contractions between 25 and 50 times per second, enhancing overall performance in sessions as short as 15 minutes a day, 3 times a week.

Acceleration Training™ on Power Plate® equipment offers a host of benefits, ranging from an immediate improvement in blood circulation, to a variety of other measurable outcomes: such as increased muscle strength and flexibility, improved range of motion, decreased cellulite, increased bone mineral density, reduced pain and soreness and faster recovery.  Our three-dimensional vibration technology continues to lead the industry, and its benefits are grounded in extensive academic and independent scientific medical research.

All that for only $10,000! (Two grand for the cheapie model.)

Acceleration Training? Whatever. I haven’t used the thing so I can’t say for sure, but it sounds like the latest example of  “Here’s something that will work out for me while I just stand around looking pretty in my leotards.” It didn’t work 50 years ago and it doesn’t work now.


I don’t care about your scientific studies and your laboratory testing and your advanced technology, there is no substitute for lifting and pushing and pulling and running really hard. Shame on you for preying on humanity’s lack of effort and surplus of cash.

I can think of a lot better things to spend ten grand on, and I’m sure I can find what is basically a giant vibrator for a lot less.


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